14/09/2015 Changing Within Youself

Through my months of working with clients of all walks of life, one negative traits I noticed in many people is "helplessness". They come into the system and requests government and people around them to provide and give because in their mind "YOU owe me a living". Hence, it is an obligation for the system to continuously support this helpless behavior. Sometimes, I wonder what could have happened behind the continuously seeking for assistance without even trying. Well, probably is the countless of failed attempts from past experiences that hinders them but there are some that grew up with such "toxic" mentality. Why do I label "toxic"? First of all, our government do not encourage such behaviors. In my opinion, assistance can be of utmost relief to pressure and timely to reduce risks of family. However, this can be only temporary. Once people get on their feet and situation improves, it is time to further explore other alternatives and long-term solution that are feasible and sustainable. Unfortunately, people do not realise this important point that they themselves are the one to pick themselves up. Just as how Michael Jackson has clearly put across this message in his song, Man in the Mirror,

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself, and then make 

a change

Indeed, there is no better way to start changing but through yourself. It happen too often the only real change comes from within self because external forces can influence or break us, but we, ourselves, cannot simply be broken. If we are, then we probably chose for it to be. It comes to the point, I realised how important it is for me as a social worker, to realise that believing in change is a very important philosophy. 

Today, I felt this same "helplessness" in myself. Well meaning messages from friends does not really soothe this overwhelming sense of loss in confidence of myself. Each month, our department are evaluated based on patient's satisfaction written in the form of feedback after their hospital stay. This month was no surprise I was not included in it. Other than being bitter and sour, I was deeply envious of others who was being praised. There and then, the inner insecure monster hit me. I questioned myself over and over again to what could have led to me not receiving any compliments. It doesn't help that this morning, I woke up from a dream of me crying because I was unable to produce good assessment in my work. It strikes me with fear. I was shaking, feeling such a deep sense of inadequacy. For the past 10 months, have I been working in muddy waters? As I ponder, it leads me to think if I am suited for this job. Of course, I couldn't have lurked and waddle my way through without basic assessment and counselling skills. Having said, nothing comes easy. It is much easier to chide myself and work harder to pull my socks to match up to others or even my own personal development. On the other hand, today is the day where I just want to put on my pink-leopard socks, hide behind the sheets in tears after I have gobbled down 3 pints of Ben&Jerry Ice cream. Being vulnerable, all I need today is to acknowledge my own weakness and be sad for this very moment. Please, let me be.